Relationships are the foundation upon which we build our lives. Whether we realize it or not, the quality of our relationships deeply affects our mental health, our physical wellbeing, and our overall life satisfaction. Understanding how relationships work and what makes them thrive is not just helpful, it is essential to living a fulfilling life.
In our work with couples, one concern comes up more often than any other are communication problems. However, what we have observed is that the challenge is rarely about how much people talk. Rather, it is about the depth of understanding between partners. Most couples talk a great deal, yet still feel unheard and misunderstood.
We live in a culture that treats communication as verbal expression, as saying our thoughts clearly and making our points effectively. However, genuine communication in relationships involves something deeper, often explored in relationship counselling, where the focus shifts from words alone to emotional understanding. It requires the ability to understand the emotions beneath the words being spoken. It means recognizing that when a partner says “I’m fine” in a certain tone, they might actually be experiencing hurt, fear, or deep loneliness.
Think about the last time you and your partner had a disagreement. On the surface, maybe it was about forgotten plans or money or whose turn it was to do something. But if you dig deeper, there were probably bigger emotions at play. Maybe one person felt dismissed or like their needs didn’t matter. Maybe the other felt criticized or like nothing they do is ever good enough.
These deeper, more tender feelings that we call primary emotions, are what we’re really trying to communicate. But they’re vulnerable. They’re scary to admit. So instead, they come out sideways as frustration, silence, defensiveness, or those pointed comments that seem to come out of nowhere. The couples who make it aren’t the ones who never fight or disagree. They’re the ones who’ve learned to translate each other’s reactions back to those tender feelings underneath. When one partner gets upset or feels irritated, the other has learned to wonder, “What are they really feeling right now? Are they hurt? Overwhelmed? Or Scared?” This kind of emotional understanding doesn’t happen overnight. It takes commitment, practice, patience, and a willingness to look past the surface.
While understanding our partner’s emotions is essential, there is a boundary we must be aware of. Understanding your partner’s deeper emotions is beautiful and necessary. But you can’t lose yourself in the process. There’s a delicate balance between being deeply aware of someone you love and forgetting that you’re a whole person with your own needs, feelings, and limits—something often explored through individual counselling. Some people become so focused on understanding and managing their partner’s emotional state that they stop paying attention to their own.
They might drop everything whenever their partner is upset, even if it means ignoring their own needs. They might feel responsible for fixing every problem their partner has. This pattern, what therapists call codependency, might look like devotion or deep love from the outside, but it’s exhausting and ultimately harmful for both people. When you make yourself smaller to accommodate someone else’s emotions, you’re not actually helping them grow. And you’re certainly not taking care of yourself. Remember, you should understand and support your partner but you don’t have to take over the responsibility of fixing their emotions.
Healthy relationships need something different. They need two people who are whole on their own, choosing to build something together. You can deeply understand that your partner’s sharp words come from a place of fear or insecurity without taking on the job of managing those feelings for them. You can hold space for their pain while also being clear about how you need to be treated. You can say, “I hear that you’re struggling, and I want to support you, and I also need us to speak to each other with respect.” Both things can be true at the same time.
The strongest relationships we see are the ones where both people maintain their sense of self while staying connected. Where empathy doesn’t mean losing your boundaries and understanding doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing. It’s like standing close enough to hold hands but far enough apart that you’re both still standing on your own two feet.
It starts with getting curious instead of making assumptions. When your partner is being difficult or withdrawn, instead of reacting to the behavior, try asking yourself what might be happening beneath it. This approach is often encouraged in couples counselling, where partners learn to explore emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. What could they be feeling that’s too scary or vulnerable to say directly? Real communication isn’t about having the perfect words or never misunderstanding each other. It’s not about reading minds or always getting it right. It’s about knowing that even when things get hard—and they will—you’re both committed to finding your way back to each other.
This work isn’t always easy. It asks us to look at our own patterns, to be vulnerable when we’d rather protect ourselves, to extend grace when we’re hurt, and to hold onto ourselves even as we reach for connection. But it’s the most worthwhile work there is. Because at the end of the day, the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives too.
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